Saving Grace
by RubinAmigo
Summary: 'The End' verse. Dean is feeling guilty for the state of the world and is on a self-destructive path when his past self shows up and makes him see that there are still things worth fighting for. Destiel
1. Chapter 1

**This story is set in the 'The End' verse, though it starts a little before that episode. I guess that implies that it's not going to be the most happy of stories but I'm warning you anyway. There's angst ahead. Though it will get better as the story goes on. Okay, what else? Oh yeah, be prepared for smut and don't let the OCs put you off. This IS a Destiel story.**

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The low grunt behind him made him look up and what he saw reflected in the mirror in front of him wasn't exactly a happy sight. What he noticed first was the empty look in his own eyes and the expression devoid of any emotion on his face. He could have been wearing a mask for all the difference it would have made.

It was not the expression one would expect seeing on someone in his situation. Which was being bent over the counter of an old, dirty bathroom, jeans hanging around his ankles, being fucked by a complete stranger.

The stranger grunted again and picked up his pace, his thrusts getting faster and harder. It was almost painful now but then it always was and that was part of the reason why Dean did this, why he kept finding strangers willing to fuck him hard whenever he went off by himself during a mission to get supplies or information. It made him feel something other than guilt for a short while and anyway he deserved the pain and humiliation.

After all it was his fault that the world was falling apart around them, that Lucifer was wearing his baby brother to the prom and that Cas was no longer an angel and never not on one drug or another these days. It was all his fault. He was the one who could have prevented all this, but after he had screamed himself hoarse for Michael with no result he had resorted to punish himself by letting himself being used by random strangers.

The stranger behind him was pounding into him brutally now but at least he reached around Dean to stroke him roughly in time with his thrusts. It didn't last much longer for either man to finish and as the orgasm overtook Dean the guilt was gone for a moment, replaced by a mixture of pleasure, pain and burning humiliation. It was better than the guilt though that was eating him up inside and which would be back too soon.

But for now he didn't move. He enjoyed the feeling of anything else and for a few minutes didn't even bother to clean himself and pull up his pants. He just needed another moment by himself before he went back out and checked on his men.

The guilt would have returned much sooner had he bothered to look around and noticed the face by the door watching him. Brilliant blue eyes, now a little hazy from the pills he'd found in one of the abandoned houses, were taking in every detail of the scene, wondering what to do about it. But apparently the drug didn't promote quick thinking and so Castiel silently left to figure this out another time.

By the time Dean rejoined his men at the cars he was back to his usual tough self. Of course he had managed to acquire an impressive amount of ammunition, so no one could question his solo tours. He always did that, it was one of his talents.

Now he quickly looked at what the rest of the group had gathered, weapons, more ammunition and enough canned food to last them a while. Then he counted the numbers and made sure no one had come into too close contact with a Croat. Nothing had happened. It had been an unusually quiet mission and it briefly made Dean wonder where the stranger had come from in this obviously long forgotten town. But there were some loners out there still, meandering through the country, finding what they needed to survive and staying out of the way of demons or Croats.

Dean could have almost felt happy about this day and the successful mission if it weren't for Cas who had passed out in the backseat of one of the cars, reminding Dean that he had made so many mistakes.

"Okay, let's load everything in the cars and then go," he said loudly after taking a deep breath and turning away from the sleeping ex-angel. He needed to get out of there; he couldn't take it any longer. The men gathered everything they had found in the town and cheered when they saw how much it really was. There would be a party at the camp that night.

When they arrived back at Camp Chitaqua there was a crowd already waiting for their return. The other members of the camp quickly helped unload the cars and prepare a small celebration around a bonfire that night. Dean watched them for a while but when he saw Cas stumble out of the car and nearly falling to the ground face first, if Chuck hadn't caught him in time, he had to turn away.

"Hello, Jenny," he greeted the woman that was just walking his way. "You up for a more private party tonight?" He couldn't remember if he'd slept with her before. He probably had, since he'd slept with almost every available woman in the camp, causing quite a few spectacular cat fights. It didn't matter though. He just wanted company and he didn't really care who the soft and warm body that would share his bed tonight belonged to. He just couldn't join the party and didn't want to be alone with his thoughts either.

"Sure," she answered with a smile. "I was never one for large crowds anyway."

He grinned and offered her his arm and led her away to his quarters, ignoring the mostly disappointed and occasionally jealous looks of the other camp members. Dean was their fearless leader and had saved the life of almost every one of them at least once. They all liked his company although he really couldn't understand why. He wasn't a very social person these days but usually he at least made a short appearance at one of these rare celebrations before he left with some girl for the night.

"You want a beer?" Dean asked Jenny when they were at his place.

"No, thanks. I just want you," she purred and pressed her body against his back as he leaned down to get himself a beer from his small fridge.

Dean pretty much ignored her even when her hands slipped under his shirt and stroked his chest before reaching for his belt buckle. Meanwhile Dean opened his bottle and drank half of the beer before putting it down and finally turning around to Jenny to respond to her affections. She kissed him hard and finally succeeded in opening his belt and undoing his jeans and he quickly followed her lead and efficiently undressed her.

There wasn't much gentleness or caring involved in what they did. They were both too desperate for this human contact, for a sense of normalcy that they would never achieve in this world, to exchange sweet nothings and soft caresses. When she was ready Dean entered her but while he fucked her he was not really there in this moment. His mind kept wondering back to earlier in that day when he'd been in that dirty bathroom with a stranger.

But this was not the same. Being with Jenny didn't do anything for him, no matter how hard he tried. But when he noticed that he was being too rough with her he slowed down a little and did his best to at least make it enjoyable for her. It wasn't her fault that he had broken the world and couldn't deal with it. And when she reached her climax he managed to go along with her but when he rolled of her and they were lying next to each other catching their breath there was no feeling of bliss to suppress the guilt for even a few seconds.

"That was so much better than a bonfire," Jenny sighed a few minutes later and rolled over onto her side, trying to cuddle up to Dean.

"I think you should leave now," was Dean's answer which was followed by a moment of silence while Jenny processed his words.

"What?" she finally asked, pushing herself up on her elbows to look down at him.

"You heard me."

It took a few more seconds of disbelieving staring on her part before she got out of bed and gathered up her clothes, getting dressed as quickly as possible. "Jerk!" she yelled at him before she stormed out and slammed the door so hard that the walls of his hut shook.

Dean sighed and pulled the blanket up over his head in a subconscious attempt to hide from the world. He knew he hadn't handled that situation too well. Great, now he had one more thing to feel guilty about. He was just constantly screwing up nowadays.

Despite all his self-loathing he managed to fall asleep and not wake up until Chuck opened his door and let the sunlight inside.

"Hey, Dean," he said carefully, not sure what mood their leader would be in this morning.

"Chuck, what's up?" Dean asked sleepily.

"I just wanted to tell you that I'll be in my room now, getting some sleep. Just in case you need me."

"Okay," Dean nodded. "Wait! Why didn't you sleep in the night?"

"I was with Cas. He was in pretty bad shape so I stayed with him to make sure he'd be alright. He's awake now and mostly sober," Chuck admitted and then quickly left before Dean had the chance to say anything.

"Damn it, Cas," Dean muttered and got dressed to go and check on his friend.

He found him in his hut, having breakfast. He looked nothing like the Cas he had met all those years ago. His clothes looked slept in, he was unshaven and his hair looked wilder then ever. But this morning his blue eyes shone almost as bright as they used to during his angel days. Chuck had been right; Cas was relatively sober this morning.

"Oh, hey Dean," Cas greeted him cheerfully. "Want some bacon?"

Dean's stomach gave an audible rumble when the smell of the offered food hit him and he sat down opposite Cas to eat.

"This is great," Dean said between bites.

"Thanks. Jenny made it," Cas said and at that moment Jenny came inside to check if he needed something else. But when she noticed Dean she turned on the spot and all but ran back outside. Cas gave Dean a meaningful look and Dean shrugged.

"Yeah, I know. I should talk to her and apologize," he mumbled. "Are you sure you can't read people's minds anymore? You're scarily perceptive for a drug addict."

He knew instantly that he shouldn't have said that. All cheerfulness drained from Cas' face in less than a second and he silently got up to get something from one of his cabinets. It was a small plastic bottle full of pills, which he set down in the middle of the table before he continued to eat his breakfast.

"I'm sorry, Cas. I shouldn't have said that," Dean apologized and looked up to find himself staring into cold blue eyes.

"No, you shouldn't have," Cas agreed. "But you're not sorry, not for this anyway."

There was a small pause before he continued. "I have never told you why I'm taking all these drugs, have I?"

"No," Dean agreed. "Cas, I…"

"No, Dean. I will talk now and you are going to listen." His tone was so authoritative that Dean shut up immediately and sat there quietly to listen to what Cas had to say.

"First of all, yes, I am absolutely positive that I cannot read people's minds. It just wasn't difficult to interpret this situation. But my Grace is gone. Don't you think I have tried everything? Not even the simplest things are possible anymore. I can't hear my brothers and sisters since they left. I am utterly alone. Don't you think I didn't stand outside every night and called out for them when I felt them slip away? But they didn't answer. They wanted nothing to do with me.

I failed them and they abandoned me in this wretched place this world has become. I thought I was doing the right thing but can this be the right thing? If this is the reward for free will then I'm not sure it's such a great thing."

"But we can still beat this," Dean said weakly.

"Can we? Do you really believe that? I don't know Dean. It's been years and we haven't made any progress while Lucifer is taking whatever he wants. And I can't do anything about it because I have no powers. I can't help you, I can't protect you, I'm not worth anything as a simple human. And it hurts. More than you can imagine. More than I ever imagined.

That's why I take the drugs. They numb the pain and make this life bearable. They give me the feeling of being connected to the world. I know it's not real but it's all I can get. And there's nothing you or anyone can do to change that. No one can help me. I have fallen from Grace and there is no way back."

For a moment Dean just sat there, staring at his friend, not knowing what to say. He'd had no idea how Cas was really feeling and now he felt even worse about everything.

"Cas, I…this is all my fault," he finally said.

"No, it isn't. We all made that choice. We all believed we were right. And now we all have to deal with this in our own way. Some of us take drugs, some of us find other ways to punish ourselves. You don't have to carry the weight for all of us," Cas told him coming as close to the thing he had witnessed in the bathroom the day before as he dared. When Dean didn't react he reached for the bottle of pills, shaking a few into his hand. It was a clear signal that this conversation was now over.

Dean got up and went to the door. He turned around to see Cas swallow the pills with some cold coffee. "Please be careful," he told the former angel and Cas just nodded before he leaned back and waited for the pills to kick in.

Dean couldn't watch any longer and quickly returned to his place, ignoring all the people who tried to stop him and ask him something. He couldn't deal with them at the moment. He had to plan another mission. They finally needed to make some progress on finding the colt and for that he needed a demon to interrogate.

And he also needed to find another stranger to help him deal with the crushing guilt because if he didn't he would break sooner or later. He sat down at his desk and pulled out his maps and notes to figure out where to go next. Absentmindedly he grabbed the open beer bottle and drank from it, making a disgusted face when he tasted the stale beer from the night before. But he drank it anyway because really, he didn't deserve any better.

Not after he had just found out how miserable he had made his closest friend with his stubbornness and his arrogance of thinking he knew better than the freaking angels.


	2. Chapter 2

**I wish I had more time to write and be able to update more often. I hate to keep you (and me) waiting for a new chapter. Hopefully you haven't forgotten what the story was about so far ;)**

**Some info about the timeline. Originally I had planned to use the episode 'The End' for this chapter but I had no chance to actually watch it that slowly to use scenes and dialogues accurately so I left that out (I wrote this chapter while travelling on a train. Perfect time for writing.). Obviously this means that this chapter takes place after the events of the episode, which I'm sure all of you who read this story have watched. I hope this little jump forward in time is not too confusing.**

**Okay, long author's note, but I'm done now. Enjoy the chapter :)**

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'_Even Cas_?'

The words, spoken by his past self, had been echoing in his head for days, even though their speaker had long returned to his own time. He had hoped that this strange visit would have an impact on the present, that it would change things for the better but nothing of that sort had happened. Either his past self was too stubborn to change anything or there was another reason, like a time travel paradox of some kind that prevented any changes to the present.

He didn't really understand this shit and it didn't really matter anyway. But his past self's visit was still haunting him and he kept thinking back to what his life had been like back then. Five years, only five short years, but they felt like a lifetime. So much had happened and nothing of it was good.

Oh, he still remembered what he had been like five years ago. How righteous he had been and how ready and eager to fight for a cause he had known to be right. Of course there had been moments when he had wondered if it was all worth it but in the end the answer had always been yes. Even when he had felt dead inside during that time it was nothing compared to what he felt like now.

But then Sammy had said 'yes'.

'_Even Cas_!'

It had been a desperate moment. His best shot at confronting the devil himself and alone, while everybody else was distracted. The chance to see for himself that this monster was not his brother anymore and the chance to end it once and for all. He hadn't planned to survive this act, it had been supposed to be his final stand, to right the wrong he had brought to the world. And frankly he just hadn't cared about what happened to the rest of his group. In that moment they had been nothing more than a means to an end.

But his past self had acted as his conscience and he had seen something in his eyes, recognized something that he thought he had lost and he had changed his mind in the last moment. They had all faced Lucifer and his demons together. It had been painful seeing this creature wearing his brother as a meat suit but he kept reminding himself that this thing was not his brother anymore. In a moment of weakness and desperation Sam had given in and was now gone and Dean had been too stubborn to do the same and fulfill their destiny.

"I'll give you one free pass," Lucifer had told him, mocking him with his pure white suit and the horde of demons behind him.

But Dean had taken his chance. He didn't know if Lucifer had known that he had the colt and really it didn't matter. Lucifer had not twitched a muscle as Dean had slowly reached for the colt and aimed it at his forehead. He had taken his time before pulling the trigger and when he finally had and the hole had appeared on Sam's, no Lucifer's, forehead he had felt relieved and elated.

The feeling had only lasted for a moment. Lucifer hadn't fallen. He had simply shaken his head once and the wound had healed almost instantly. The colt was worthless against him. Dean had felt utterly defeated and he'd been sure that shooting the devil would be last thing he'd done in his life. And he had been at peace with his fate because he had never planned beyond this point, had always expected to die when confronting Lucifer. He had only wished he could take the bastard with him.

But Lucifer had smiled at him. "One free pass, Dean. That was it. Your next move against me will likely be your last."

With that he had turned around and had sent his demon army away. Before he himself had disappeared he had looked over his shoulder at Dean once more. "Just so you know, poor Sammy doesn't want you to go on a suicide mission against me." Then he had left.

His words had been like a punch in the gut for Dean. Sam was still in there and he was aware of everything. This was so much worse than believing that Sam had just faded away. He had to save his brother, but how?

This was one more problem he was now pondering, sitting alone in his hut with a bottle of beer, staring out the window and absent-mindedly playing with the colt. Of course the devil could have lied to him about Sam, but Dean didn't think so. Somehow he knew that it had been the truth and maybe it was even Sam's doing that they were still alive.

"Dean?" a careful voice from the door asked, brilliant blue eyes peering inside the hut. "Are you okay?"

"Cas. What are you doing here?" Dean asked, suddenly feeling dead tired. '_I liked past you_.' He had not forgotten what Cas had said to him when his past self had been there. He had disappointed his once best friend, who had been almost as close to him as Sam. Everything was different now. He was different now because he had failed in every aspect of his fight for good. He really couldn't have fucked up any more if he had tried and it affected everyone around him.

"No one has seen you in three days. We're worried about you. We all heard what Lucifer said."

"Are you worried I'll do something stupid?"

"Do you believe him?" Cas asked instead of answering the question.

"Yes," Dean said very quietly, looking straight at Cas for the first time since the former angel had entered the hut.

"Dean…"

"Cas, I know what you're going to say. It's Lucifer who said it and he was probably trying to hurt me but I do believe he told the truth. I can just feel it. Cas, I have to believe that Sam is still there and that there is a chance to get him back. What else can I fight for anymore?"

'Your friends. Me!' Cas thought but didn't say it out loud. Instead he said, "Let's say Sam really is still there and knows what's going on. He has been sharing Lucifer's mind for years now. Do you have any idea what condition your brother will be in when you do get him back?"

"I don't know. But I can't just do nothing and leave him with this monster. First I'll need to figure out how to kill Lucifer without killing Sam. Then I'll worry about the rest."

"Of course. Just don't do anything rash. Remember, Sam doesn't want you to sacrifice yourself for him," Cas cautioned.

"I know. But I'd do it anyway, should that be the only way," Dean answered, staring at Cas and meeting his gaze for a long time, like they used to do in better times.

"Will you help me?" Dean asked when they finally broke eye contact.

"You know I will," Cas told him and then left Dean alone. He had achieved what he wanted and there was nothing more he could do at the moment. Now he had to take care of himself because he had been sober for his talk with Dean but now reality was becoming too much to handle again and he felt an overwhelming urge to escape it all and his only way to do that was swallowing a handful of pills from the stack he kept hidden by his bed.

Half an hour later he closed his eyes and sighed in relief as his worries suddenly seemed silly and his body became light as a feather and he felt like he was floating. It was a close as he could get to the feeling of having his Grace back and he smiled happily as he fell asleep.

Meanwhile Dean kept tossing and turning alone in his bed. He could not fall asleep, his guilt keeping him awake. He had been ready to sacrifice Cas' life to kill the devil and had it worked he would also have killed his brother. And now Cas was offering him his help to save Sam. Even though Cas had fallen from Grace about as far as possible without joining forces with Lucifer he was still way too good for Dean.

And on top of that Dean hadn't done anything to suppress his guilt in days now and it was building up to become unbearable. He needed to do something about it. He needed to be able to sleep again or he would never come up with a plan to help Sam. But until he had a plan he had no excuse to leave the camp. They had enough supplies for several more weeks, they had the colt which was worthless against Lucifer and until they had a new plan there was no reason to leave.

After a few more sleepless, guilt ridden hours Dean finally gave up trying to sleep and got up and quietly went outside. It was three a.m. and the camp was absolutely quiet and dark in this moonless night. Initially he had only wanted to get some fresh air but once he was standing outside, looking beyond the confines of the camp he decided to sneak out. For some reason he had taken the colt with him. Maybe his subconscious had planned to do this before he had really made up his mind.

It didn't matter now. He'd go to the next town, find someone there, get what he needed and return when he felt better. No one had seen him in three days except Cas. They wouldn't miss him, they'd just assume he wasn't ready to face the world yet after the failed mission and the new information about Sam.

Carefully, quietly he crept to the entrance to the camp, always keeping away from other huts, ready to duck behind a bush should he hear someone move. But he made it without any problems and took a deep breath and then quickly walked away to find one of the cars they had hidden around camp for the case that they needed to get away quickly. It was perfect now.

Not once did he look back after leaving the camp and so he didn't notice the figure in the deep shade of the trees that was slowly following him.

Cas had woken up with a bad feeling from his wonderful drug induced trip and had been gripped by a feeling of dread that wouldn't go away. He had stepped outside to clear his head in the cool, fresh night air and had seen Dean leaving his hut, standing there for a moment before looking around and then sneaking toward the entrance of the camp.

It had been clear to Cas that Dean was indeed doing something stupid and rash now and though he had no idea what that could be he could not let his friend go alone. The feeling of dread was still there and it was intensifying the further Dean was away from him. He didn't like it and so he decided to follow Dean to make sure that whatever he was planning on doing, he would return to the camp unharmed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Just a few words because it's late and I'm tired. Thank you all for sticking with the story even though updates are so sparse. This is probably the most angsty chapter of the story. Fair warning. I hope you'll enjoy anyway :)**

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"Damn it!" Cas cursed as he sped through the night. Since the hidden cars were scattered around the camp he had needed more time than Dean to find one and he had lost him quickly. Now he was driving in the direction Dean had gone and was trying to figure out what Dean's plans were at this time of night.

There weren't many choices. The road he was on didn't lead to many places and since Dean had looked like he had spontaneously decided to leave, he would probably go somewhere where there was a possibility of meeting someone. Whether he was looking for humans or demons though, Cas didn't know. Anyway, it seemed like his best bet to go to what was left of the nearby town and see if Dean's car was there somewhere.

He increased his speed and raced towards the town. He'd been there before, several times. In the beginning, right after they had moved into the camp, they had been there often to find survivors that wanted to join them, to get food and information. Castiel knew the place well.

It had been almost two years since he'd last been there and time and neglect had taken their toll on the place. Most buildings were mere ruins anymore and nature had started to seize back the deserted spaces. Only a few buildings here and there looked cared for. There were still a few people holding out, despite the demons and the croats.

Slowly he made his way through the dark streets, carefully watching his surroundings for a sign of Dean and for a possible ambush at the same time. But nothing happened. It was quiet and there was no sign of life. Had he made a mistake? Maybe Dean had gone somewhere else. Or maybe he was already on his way back to the camp. After all Castiel had already been looking for him for quite a while now.

He decided to check the last part of the town where he hadn't been yet and should he find nothing there, he'd go to the next town down the road. If he didn't find Dean there either he'd go back to the camp. He was doing what he could but as a human his options were limited. Once again he felt an overwhelming sense of despair about having lost his angelic powers.

But when he turned the next corner he didn't have to worry anymore. The car Dean had taken was parked at the side of the road, close to an abandoned gas station. Dean was nowhere in sight but he couldn't be too far away. Feeling confident that everything would be good and that the feeling that had made him follow Dean was just an imagination, Castiel got out of the car and started walking around the area of the gas station, looking for traces of his friend.

He walked towards the building, wondering what Dean could possibly want there. As he approached the back of the place, where the restrooms were located, he heard a pained whimper coming from inside the building. At first he thought he was hearing an animal, a dog maybe, that had been locked inside by accident. But the closer he got, the more the whimpering sounded like it was coming from a human. Someone was in pain and needed help and fast.

"Dean!" he called and started running, suddenly close to panicking. He should have gotten here sooner; he should have stopped Dean from ever leaving the camp.

The seconds he needed to reach the door behind which he expected Dean felt like much longer but eventually he reached it and with his hand on the handle he stopped for just a moment. He took a deep breath, trying to brace himself for what he might find behind that door.

What he found in the room behind the door was worse than he had imagined. It was Dean Winchester alright, although that broken, whimpering thing that was lying in fetal position on the floor bore hardly any resemblance to the proud, strong man he had been when Cas had met him.

His first impulse was to flee. To close the door, run away and pretend this had never happened; he had never seen Dean like this. His clothes ripped and torn, his body bloody and bruised, lying on the filthy floor. Cas didn't even want to think about what kinds of substances might cover the floor of this room.

Suddenly an image flashed trough his mind, a memory of something he had witnessed during one of their trips. Dean, in a bathroom, bent over in front of another man. He had hoped that that had just been his imagination, a drug induced nightmare but now he realized that it had been real and that apparently Dean did this on a regular basis. But this time something had gone wrong. Dean had met the wrong guy.

After a moment Cas realized that he was staring and trying to figure out why Dean would do such a thing, when all he should do now was to help Dean and get him out of there and back to the camp before anyone woke up and saw Dean like this.

"Dean. Dean, can hear me? Can you get up?" he asked his friend, crouching down by his side, swallowing down his shock when he saw Dean's face with the split lip and the eyes nearly swollen shut.

"You're back to finish this?" Dean asked in a hoarse, broken whisper. Clearly he had no idea who was there with him.

"Dean, no. It's me, Cas. Come on, get up. Let's get you home," Cas said, trying to sound like this was no big deal to hide his horror at the realization that right here and now Dean had given up.

"Cas? You're really here?" Dean sounded hopeful now for a moment. Maybe he had not given up entirely after all.

"No, just leave," he then breathed, all hope having turned to mortification at the realization what Cas was seeing.

But Cas didn't listen. No way would he leave his friend behind, no matter how much he was now begging him to just leave him alone. It was heartbreaking seeing Dean like this but they both had to get through this now and become stronger because of it.

Without further discussion he grabbed Dean by his shoulders and pulled him up. Once he had him in an upright position he leaned the barely conscious man against the wall and quickly pulled off his shirt to wrap it around Dean and cover his battered body a little bit. Then he draped Dean's arm around his own shoulder and half carried the other man outside towards his car, struggling with every step because Dean was not doing much to help.

Spending his days spaced out due to drugs had not prepared him to carry another human being across an abandoned gas station. Especially one that didn't want to be carried and was asking to be left behind. It was hard work but eventually Cas reached the car and somehow managed to get Dean into the backseat. He closed the door and got behind the wheel but before he started the engine he turned around to look at the man in the back.

"Dean, stop whining," he said a little harsher than intended but he was exhausted and suffering from withdrawal and all he wanted was to get them back to the camp and sleep. Apparently his tone finally got through to Dean because he shut up immediately and looked up at Cas.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to shout. But I would like to get back while it's still dark so no one will see us."

"Of course. Thank you," Dean whispered and then closed his eyes. Cas didn't waste any more time and started the car to race through the night and arrive at the camp without being noticed.

He barely made it. He managed to help Dean into his little hut and quickly grabbed some scattered clothes and books that littered his bed to make room for his friend. Then he put Dean down onto the mattress and covered him with a blanket. He'd take care of the man's injuries in a bit, but first he had to return the car to the hiding spot. Almost in the middle of the camp where it was now, it would raise questions for sure.

When he returned he met Chuck who had apparently just gotten up and was going for a morning walk. He stopped to talk to him for a minute.

"Morning Chuck."

"Hey, Cas. You're up early," Chuck replied.

"Yeah, couldn't sleep, had things to do," Cas explained casually. "Which reminds me. I forgot to take the car back. I must have walked, don't ask me what happened. Anyway, the car is still somewhere along the road, maybe you could find and return it?"

It had it advantages to be the group's unreliable junkie. You could make up excuses like that and people wouldn't ask questions and not wonder about strange behavior. Just what he needed right now until Dean was himself again.

"Sure thing," Chuck sighed and Cas left it at that and returned to his cabin to check on Dean and get some rest himself. He just made a quick detour to pick up a few fresh clothes for Dean.

He'd been hoping that Dean would be asleep by the time he returned but he should have known better. Dean was awake and watching him from his place on the bed, not moving at all the whole time.

"How are you feeling?" Cas asked quietly.

"Like I'd rather be dead," Dean answered darkly and then turned over, facing away from Cas. It was a clear sign to leave him alone but Cas ignored it. Dean was still wearing the torn and filthy clothes and he wouldn't let him sleep like that.

He went to the bed and lifted Dean up until he was sitting. Dean wasn't fighting him but he wasn't helping either. It was hard work but eventually he had managed to somewhat wash Dean and get him into clean clothes. Then he let him lie back down and turned off the light. He had set down a blanket and a pillow next to the mattress and went to sleep on the floor once Dean's breathing had evened.

The peace only lasted an hour or so. " Nahg. Anwd. Sss." Dean was thrashing around on the mattress, mumbling things Cas couldn't understand.

Cas got up and gently shook Dean by his shoulder. "Dean, wake up. It's just a dream," he told the sleeping man and while this statement was true, he wasn't sure if reality was that much better at the moment. It didn't really matter though, because although Dean opened his eyes and looked at him he was clearly not seeing him, still caught in the sticky web of his nightmare. Cas regretted that he could not enter Dean's dreams anymore.

So he did the next best thing he could to help him. He went to his stash of pills and found some that guaranteed a dreamless sleep.

Consuming all the pills he could find Cas had quickly discovered that it was helpful to learn a little bit about how they worked to avoid undesirable side effects. He would never forget the three days that he had spent hiding under a blanket in a corner of his cabin to hide from the screeching pink bunnies that had kept biting him. When the trip had ended he'd been covered in bruises he had given himself from trying to bat away the attacking illusions and he'd been severely dehydrated because he had been too scared to leave his corner.

Now he knew his pills and he quickly found the right one for Dean. It wasn't hard to make him swallow one and then he sat next to Dean, holding and comforting him until the pill took effect and Dean was finally calmly sleeping.

Then Cas took one pill himself because he desperately needed the rest and he was too anxious to just fall asleep again. But he knew Dean was okay now for a few hours and he could sleep for while himself. The pill would help and he had really earned it after staying away from his drugs for so long. He sighed as he felt the pill help him relax and he hoped that things would be better once he woke up.

He really hoped Dean would be better after a few hours of sleep and that was the last thought on his mind before sleep came and all conscious thought vanished.


	4. Chapter 4

When Dean woke up a few hours later he felt terrible. Even though he knew he had slept for several hours because he felt better rested than he had in a very long time, he felt like he'd been hit by freight train. He hurt all over and he didn't dare open his eyes to assess the damage. Especially since he couldn't remember what had happened to him.

He kept his eyes closed for a little while longer but eventually he couldn't bear it anymore. He had to know what had happened, what was wrong with him. Carefully he opened his eyes a bit, blinking against the bright morning light. When he was finally able to see his surroundings he was confused. He was not in his bed. He looked around the messy cabin, seeing piles of clothes, empty beer bottles and - "Cas!"

Quickly he clapped a hand over his mouth, not having intended to wake Cas with his surprised exclamation, and winced at the pain the sudden motion caused. He looked at Cas for a moment but his friend was still asleep. But flashes of memories about the past night returned.

Cas, in a car with him, telling him to stop whining – ridiculous, Dean Winchester didn't _whine_ – and that he wanted to get back to the camp while it was still dark.

So Cas had been with him the night before and would know whatever the hell had happened to him and why his entire body was covered in cuts and bruises and he might even have a broken rib or two. While he thought about that, more memories came back.

Cas, taking care of his injuries, Cas, helping him getting into clean clothes and finally Cas, slipping him a sleeping pill. That was probably why his memory about the previous night was patchy at best. But Cas had been there with him, he would know more about what had happened. And Cas had helped him when he had been too hurt or whatever to help himself.

It made no sense. He wasn't the type to indulge in apathy, no matter how badly he got hurt . Maybe he had been hit with a curse or something. Maybe he'd gone hunting demons to get more clues about how to save his brother and something had gone terribly wrong. Yeah, that was probably it. And Cas had shown up just in time to help him. He owed the dude some serious thanks.

Here he had thought Cas was little more than a hopeless junkie, something Dean felt guilty as hell for. Granted, Cas was a junkie with valuable knowledge, but a junkie and hopeless nonetheless. But now the guy had proved him wrong. He must have been sober for such an adventure outside the camp, getting Dean back all on his own.

Quietly Dean slowly stretched his aching body until he was confident he would be able to stand up without crying out in pain. He left the cabin and went to their storage hut to get the supplies he needed. His arms full he went to his own cabin and was intercepted by Chuck on the way there.

"Dean, hello. Haven't seen you around in a while."

"Hi Chuck, yeah, sorry. I had to come to terms with Sam still being there somewhere, sharing a body with Lucifer. That was quite a shock," Dean told the former prophet, hoping Chuck would go away quickly so he could get on with his mission.

"Yeah, I understand." There was a pause. Chuck clearly wanted to say something else and Dean wished he would get on with it.

"What..what happened to you?" Chuck finally managed to say.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you look like someone tried very hard to kill you," Chuck told him and indicated the bruises on Dean's face and neck. "And very early this morning I met Cas who asked me to find one of the cars and return it to the camp. It was in the next town by a gas station and the place showed definite signs of a bad fight."

So that was what had happened. Chuck's words seemed to confirm what Dean had come up with as an explanation for his battered state.

"Yeah, look, I don't really remember but whatever did happen, I think Cas saved my ass last night. I guess I must have run into some demons that have information about Sam and something went wrong. I'll have to talk to Cas about it."

"Yeah, okay. I'm just glad to see you walking around again. We've all been a bit worried about you lately. I'll see you later," Chuck said and then turned away.

"Later," Dean called after him and then quickly went into his own cabin to start cooking breakfast to surprise Cas.

The smell of fresh coffee and crispy bacon slowly brought Cas back to consciousness. He opened his eyes and sat up to find out what was going on. No one came to make him breakfast, not ever. Some of the women had tried during the first weeks at the camp but they'd quickly given up when they found out that he was extremely grumpy in the morning.

Of course by then he hadn't had his pills figured out and he'd only just lost his Grace, so the conditions had not been ideal to begin with. But ever since he was required to sleep he had hated getting up in the morning just as much as he hated going to bed at night in the first place.

But things had changed since then. He had gotten used to his situation and the delicious smell made him jump out of bed to find Dean sitting at his table with breakfast for them both.

"Good morning, sleepy head," Dean greeted him with a grin.

"Good morning, Dean. What...?"

"I don't really know what exactly happened last night but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for you. So – I made breakfast." Dean explained a little awkwardly and he started eating the bacon and eggs to occupy himself.

"Um, thanks," Cas said as he sat down at the table and helped himself to some coffee. He was a little surprised to see Dean so cheerful, but Dean had said he didn't remember what happened, so that might explain his mood. Too bad that sooner rather than later Cas would have to tell him what he knew.

For a moment they sat and ate in silence until Dean couldn't take it anymore. "Cas! Do you know what happened last night?" he asked, his good mood crumbling.

Cas sighed. "I don't know for sure but I have an idea. I will tell you – after breakfast."

Dean was about to protest but Cas simply ignored him and continued to eat. There was nothing Dean could do about it.

Finally the food was gone and Cas put down his empty coffee cup. This was the moment Dean had been waiting for and looked at Cas like a cat ready to pounce on its prey.

"Okay, okay," Cas said. "Look. I don't really know what happened. When I found you, you were alone and in a bad shape."

"Come on, Cas. Just tell me." Dean was getting impatient.

"You were in the bathroom of the gas station. On the floor. Whoever did this to you was already gone. I don't know..."

"Bullshit, Cas. They may have been gone but I think you know what happened there. Why I was there," Dean almost yelled. The terrible truth dawned on him, that Cas knew what he did sometimes when it all got to be too much. That that was what had happened last night and he had gotten himself in a bad situation.

"I... Dean, I saw you. On one of the missions I went looking for you and saw you. With another man."

Dean said nothing, he just waited for Cas to continue talking.

"Look, it's none of my business what you do. I just think you met the wrong guy – guys – this time and they almost killed you."

Dean nodded. "I guess you're right," he said and got up to leave. But he didn't reach the door because Cas blocked the way.

"Let me go," Dean demanded in a menacing tone. But Cas stood his ground.

"No. We will talk. You need to talk to someone and I'm the only one you can talk to. I'm not letting you go until you have told me everything. You have a problem and I want to help you. I'm your friend, Dean."

"But...I wanted to help you. With the pills and everything, with coping being human. I failed miserably and I deserve exactly what happened to me," Dean said, his voice suddenly breaking.

"You didn't fail. I'm still here and lately you have inspired me to stay away from the pills as much as possible. Yes, I was weak at times, but had I been stoned I wouldn't have been able to help you yesterday. I had a bad feeling and stayed sober for you and it was right. You have helped me and can continue to do so. And I will help you. I will help you with your guilt and I will help you with Sam. But now you will stay here and we'll talk."

After a long moment of silence Dean looked up at him and nodded. "Okay. We'll talk. And Cas; I will get your Grace back. I don't know how, but I will."


End file.
